Marv

I have had this post sitting in 'draft' form for months.  It's not that I felt uncomfortable posting my feelings but my feelings were continuously changing as I moved through the days without Marv.  I also worried that I would ineffectively reflect the deep feelings I have for him or somehow minimize the impact the past year has had on us by trying to describe it using words.  I would pull up the draft and add more or revise.  I never felt 'done'.  When it came to Marv, I just couldn't finish.  I realize now that I will never feel done.  And now I feel anxious to share my feelings for a man that is so deeply loved.  This is the post I started over 3 months ago...

January 8, 2011 was horrific.  It is impossible to put into words what we were feeling on the day we heard that our beloved Marv had died.  And so I won't try to.  As the 2011 Christmas holiday approached, almost a whole year since he had died, I began to brace myself for another wave of sickening dread.  It had happened the entire year... the first birthday celebrated without Marv, the first Easter, the family vacation, the football games, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then January 8, 2012.  How did we make it through an entire year without our Marv?  We had to.  And we did.  It is because of the man Marv was that we endured.


My experience is of course different than Steve's and his family's.  I knew Marv for over 20 years....not a lifetime.  But my relationship with Marv was rich and life-changing and his death left me aching in a way I had never experienced.


The big things were hard without him...holidays, birthdays.  But the little things are what cut my heart out.  I was particularly struck by his absence one evening when Steve and I came home from one of our boys' activities.  I can't recall the activity but the image of Steve sitting in the chair in our family room is unforgettable.  Steve is so proud of his boys and on this night, he was especially proud.  We got home and started in on our evening routines.  I was in the kitchen and saw Steve sitting in the chair reading the paper.  For the past 20 years, evenings often consisted of a phone call from Marv or to him.  On this night, there would have been a telephone in Steve's hand and he would have filled Marv in on every detail related to his grandson.  But instead, Steve sat in silence.  I felt the familiar punch in the gut as I was moved by Marv's absence.  His absence hovered in the air of our home and was thick.


Marv's absence...that is what I struggled with.  How could we continue without his eyes staring into ours with his intense sincerity?  We were special to him and important.  His attention proved that over and over.  How could we continue without his frequent walks through our yard, checking out the garden or a new project?  How could we get along without his generous laugh, warm pats on the back, and a devotion that was fierce?


I don't know.  But we are getting along.  Isn't that amazing?  This life process is amazing and we are reminded of the impact our relationships with others have.  And that's everything.  Relationships.  That word has been moving in and out of my brain lately...for lots of reasons.  And once again it comes down to that.  Not money, not accomplishment, not recognition...its about relationships.  Simple really.  And that is how we move on.  His relationship with us continues to shape our days, shape our actions, shape our thoughts...Marv continues to do that.


And now I am moved by his presence.  I was lingering in the aura of his absence and slowly it is now his presence that I am more aware of.  I will always feel lonesome.  But a thankfulness and an awareness of his presence has helped me heal.  Marv is in his son.  Marv is in Steve's laugh, in his warm conversation, in his sincere interest in the daily activities of others.  Marv is in his grandsons.  Characteristics surface and we see our beloved Marv in our boys.  Marv is in my nieces and nephews...in his home...in his garden...in his friends...in his community...in old routines that live on.  Marv's presence is everywhere.


This man should still be here.  That is the confusing part.  I can't quite shake that off.  But the relationships he established with us and our love for him continue to thrive and breathe.   He is present in our love.

Our wonderful Marv