wow. . . I started this post about a month ago. I've thought about it a lot and I'm not sure why I feel compelled to publish it. It's very satisfying when thoughts become printed words. :) At the risk of sounding like a whiner and excuse-maker, I am going to publish thoughts regarding a hurtful event. It's not the details surrounding the event, but the thoughts and reactions that followed. I still feel a tinge of anger and confusion over something we experienced as a family. And I can't quite shake it. It has actually inspired me to evaluate what I believe and hold true. This is what I started a month ago. . . . . .
When I think about my job and the kids I work with, I feel blessed. On a daily basis, they inspire me and teach me things. I cherish the relationships that we have developed and I cherish each child. I really do. It's not because I'm such a great person. . . it's because the kids are great people. They demonstrate resiliency and enthusiasm that is inspiring.
An orderly life requires rules. Rules are important. Rules help us become successful and happy.
I'm a rule-follower by nature. I believe in rules. I think rules facilitate freedom and creativity. I'm also very empathetic. As a result, I am compelled to help people. . . make their lives easier. . . carry their burdens. This is especially true for kids. I think some people feel that I 'baby' kids... I'm too easy on them. Actually, the opposite is probably more true. I'm actually a stickler for basic rules of conduct and behavior. There are basic 'rules' that are important in order for people to succeed and develop positive relationships with others.
I'm protective of the kids I serve but I'm fiercely protective when it comes to the kids I've raised. The boys I love more than my own life.
Patterns of behavior. We've talked about this a lot at work. There are isolated incidents and then there is the repeat offender. We all fail at times. We all fall short and miss deadlines. Kids are no different. And so I'm big on second chances.
BIG.
Second chances and flexibility are huge because mistakes should not make kids feel like failures. Bad judgement repeated over and over . . . now that's a different story. And even then, flexibility and connection are always needed. But the isolated slip up?? We preach that mistakes teach kids important lessons. That's so true. But I feel a huge obligation to connect the mistake with the lesson that we want kids to learn. And the lesson should be a helpful one.
Unfortunately, I've witnessed "lessons" that are hurtful and unhelpful and I hold adults responsible.
I'm not talking about making excuses. I'm not a fan of excuses. But I am a fan of empathy and compassion. of loving and supporting.
And so... I'm thankful I have not been judged by the 2 or 3 times I've sent in a late credit card payment over the past 20 years... the times I've chosen to finish a conversation with a student instead of finishing a report that was "due today"... the times I was just "too tired" to return an important phone call. My irresponsible behavior has not become an established pattern. These are exceptions. I'm very responsible and I like to please. But I try to choose living and loving over rules and deadlines.
Sometimes rules are set in order to make life easier for the rule-setter. Sometimes arbitrary rules and deadlines interfere with the real process of living and learning and experiencing.
We need to take responsibility. No one argues that. But I think we need to be careful about the kinds of rules we set. Are they helpful? Necessary? Flexible? Sometimes, communication is shut down due to arbitrary rules and deadlines. The door to conversation and understanding has been closed. There is no longer an opportunity for a helpful exchange or interaction to occur. It's so much easier to declare, "you broke the rule". . . "you did not follow the rules". The problem I have with that is not only did the adult slam the door but the opportunity for the child to understand and learn something helpful from the experience has been abandoned.
I have fallen short in many ways. At the end of the day, I can identify painful points of failure. But it is not the missed deadline that keeps me up. That is quickly forgotten. It is the missed opportunities to deeply interact with others. It is the missed opportunities to really tune in when kids talk to me. really talk. I'm thankful I do know the difference. I'm not a great therapist or a great mom. I hope I'm a good therapist and a good mom. I KNOW that helping kids succeed and learn from their mistakes is one of the greatest things I can do. I can see how important that is when I look into their eyes. . . really look. not just glance.
I did not give the 4th grader permission to break the rules. But I listened when she did and I helped her find a way to succeed. . . to change her situation. . . to move past it.
We have recently experienced something hurtful. Our family failed to follow the rules. I failed as a mother because I did not help my son. What is unfortunate is that a missed deadline may have resulted in a missed opportunity. That is what is difficult to take. And so it gets complicated. But was it really failure? It felt like it. It is difficult for us to witness our child feeling hurt... and then to feel responsible in some way is distressing. It is difficult to shake off.
and then the guilt. There are routines and activities that I have started questioning. Are they really important? Are they genuine and worth our effort? Did I dig my heels in and rebel at the wrong time? I did not aggressively guide as I have done so many times in the past.
Does my son break rules? sometimes. Does he miss deadlines? sometimes. Is his pattern of behavior one of irresponsibility? absolutely not.
Some of the feedback we got from others was helpful and encouraging. "Don't let this define you." ... "rise above this"... and I'm thankful for people who encourage and don't judge.
And then some of the feedback has not been helpful. Declarations about the bottom line... "Bottom line? You missed the deadline".
That was easy. So it's about the bottom line? No, thank you.
I pray that all children are blessed with adults in their lives who help them understand that not all expectations are helpful. Blessed by adults that help them recognize and seek out the opportunities that will help them grow and succeed. Blessed by adults who press into their lives with sincere interest.
I recently read a quote that actually encouraged me to finish this post. . .
"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family". Virginia Satir
This is the kind of atmosphere I want to create for others and I'm thankful my children experience this in the presence of those unique individuals who bless their lives.
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