a hidden wholeness

I've added a new book to my reading list.  These quoted passages went straight to my heart.

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cousins

Olsons, Langans, and Desrochers

June 21, 2014

introverts and parenting . . .

I probably copy and paste way too much in my blog.  Other people write amazing things and are so thoughtful and creative that I can't resist capturing there smart words in my blog.

And so here I go again.  My latest obsession (one of my latest) is understanding and appreciating the spirits of introverts.  As far as introverts go, I'm thinking I'm hard-core . . . extreme . . . the "mother ship" (to quote About Time).  Understanding leads to freedom and I'm feeling very free lately.  Wish I had this understanding regarding my being 20 years ago.

Love this wonderful article by Holly Klassen . . .

Why Parenting Is So Hard for Us Introverts

The day the new neighbors moved in two doors down, I was excited for my 7-year-old son. After sneaking many furtive glances as they came and went, we determined they had a little boy around the same age as Sammy. And after having lived in a neighborhood swarming with little girls for almost five years, this was reason to celebrate. Finally, Sam would have a friend -- a real, live neighborhood buddy!

Funny thing though: Over the next few weeks, he never even mentioned the possibility of playing with the little boy. Was he just being shy? I wondered. No, that didn't sound like Sammy. Finally, one day after school I suggested tentatively, "Do you want to go together to the neighbors to ask the little boy to play? Maybe he likes hockey too!" His response? "No thanks, Mommy. I'm not really into the whole 'friend' thing. I prefer to play alone."

Sigh... I guess in some ways, my son is more like me than I thought.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not anti-social, and I don't think I'm particularly socially awkward. I love being around people, and I think I'm a decent conversationalist. That said, there are a few things I've come to accept about myself -- about the way I am and the way I'm made -- and I have to say, in 90% of circumstances and situations, I'm OK with how I am.

Three fun facts about me:

1. I love being around people and activity. Once a day.
Being around people who aren't my family is an event for me. I love being with my friends... in small doses. I love going to barbecues and parties, to church and out for dinner with friends, but generally speaking, one activity a day is more than enough for me. OK, let's get real: I'd probably be just fine with one activity perweek.

2. Generally speaking, I'm happiest when I'm alone.

Does that make me anti-social? I don't know. I couldn't be by myself all the time, certainly. I know I would miss people after a while with no human contact (I would, right?). I can rarely recall feeling lonely as an adult... or even as a kid, for that matter. I always have lots to think about and lots to do. I'm entrepreneurial and always have ideas brewing, so there's never a shortage of things I could be doing.

3. I'm the most productive when I'm alone.

There's a reason I've worked from home for the past 15 years. When I worked in an office setting, I loved my colleagues. I enjoyed chit-chatting, and it was nice to have people there to bounce ideas around with. But in my estimation, working from home, I get done in three hours what I used to get done in eight. I rip through my work and never miss a deadline, making for satisfied clients and a happy Holly.

So, what does this have to do with parenting, you may be asking? Stay with me.

When I ventured into parenthood just over 10 years ago, honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Prior to having my daughter, I had already worked from home for a few years. This meant I could schedule meetings when I wanted to, but was rarely in situations where I had to be with people.

Then along came my daughter: my beautiful, sweet, extroverted daughter. My daughter who hated napping because it meant being away from people. My daughter who was never happier than when she was out and about, surrounded by lots of people, noise and activity. And 10 years in? She still thrives on activity. She could be with friends 24 hours a day. She still has a hard time falling asleep -- I think to her, it means giving up on all the fun and activity of the day.

Two and a half years after my daughter was born, Sammy joined us. Oh, did he join us. He came out screaming and didn't stop for months. And you know what was super awesome? He, too, did best when we were out and about. Surrounded by lots of people, noise and activity.

And me, the home body and introvert? I was, as you can imagine, somewhat less excited about the prospect of being 'out and about' all day, every day. Every single day... until Sammy was about 2. He didn't do well at home. He cried and fussed and needed constant entertainment and stimulation.

And even as the kids got a bit older, and my high need toddler turned into a home-loving, contented preschooler, the challenges of being an introvert and a mom remained. While we didn't need to be out all the time, I discovered something interesting. Something no one tells you before you have kids. Something someone MUST tell you before you have kids:

They are with you ALL THE TIME.

As in 24 hours a day. If you're lucky enough to have a baby or child who sleeps through the night and takes naps, you get some down time. If not, you're screwed. 20 minutes naps scattered throughout the day are NOT, in case you were wondering, enough time for an introvert to re-charge his or her batteries.

When you go to bed, there is no guarantee they will not join you. When you go to the bathroom, you can be certain they will follow you. When you need 15 minutes of completely quiet, uninterrupted time just to THINK, it will not happen.

You are ON. All the time. On call, on shift, on board. You have little people needing Band-Aids, food, entertainment and perhaps most importantly of all, for you to be emotionally present with them (not just physically present, which is way easier in my opinion).

As an introvert, being alone is what energizes me. When I'm alone, I can think about my kids, miss them and plan what we're going to do next. But when they're with me ALL THE TIME, there is no time to think about them, miss them or plan what we're going to do next. I parent off-the-cuff, doing what has to be done, putting out fires and getting through the day.

I often tell people that I really only started to love parenting the day my youngest started kindergarten. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but I think my temperament is a large part of that. I loved my kids from the day they were born, but it was only when I had time to think about them and to miss them that I really started to love parenting.

While they're at school, I have complete quiet in which to work, to be alone with my thoughts and to plan what fun things we're going to do together. I may not have 24 hours a day with them anymore, but the five hours between school and bedtime are more purposeful, more special and definitely more fun.

If you're an introvert and the parent of a small human, it can be very freeing to realize that maybe it's not just that you "don't like the baby stage." Maybe it's just that being with people 24 hours a day -- even the wonderful little beings you created -- is difficult and draining.

And it's OK (and even, I think, necessary) to take time away from your little energy-suckers to recharge and to think about them and to miss them. That may mean getting a babysitter sometimes (even if you're a stay-at-home parent), getting a mother's helper (a young teen or tween to play with your kids so you can chill in your bedroom alone) or setting them up with a movie so you can have an hour to re-charge your batteries.

These things don't make you a bad parent... they make you a wise and realistic parent, one who understands and accepts your temperament and limitations; one who does what's necessary to keep your family and home running smoothly.

Are you an introvert? Have you taken any steps to set aside some alone time to save your sanity?

Holly Klaassen is a freelance writer and creator of The Fussy Baby Site, a site for parents of fussy, colicky or high need babies. Not all babies are 'easy'! Visit her site for support and information to help you survive and celebrate your high need baby!

link to Klassen article

blog post by David Cutler, Editor of SpinEducation--Introversion and Education

David Cutler – Founder, Executive Editor

David Cutler is a dedicated independent school teacher at Palmer Trinity in Miami, Florida, where he teaches United States History, European History, United States Government, Yearbook and Journalism. He also serves as Head Boys Cross Country Coach. Cutler is proud to act as a Teacher of the Future for the National Association of Independent Schools. Occasionally, he also writes about education for Edutopia and The Atlantic. Cutler attended Brandeis University as an undergraduate with a major in History and minors in Latin American Studies and Journalism. He holds an M.A. in Comparative History, also from Brandeis. He can be reached at davidericcutler@gmail.com.

It’s 2005. I’m a junior at Brandeis University attending “Modfest,” a loud, crowded and sweaty party organized by student events. I’ve been socializing for two hours, and I want go home.

It’s not that I don’t like being around people. I do. I just feel smothered. As I leave early, I walk by my roommate, who urges me to stay. I continue walking, and I fall asleep that night thinking that there’s something wrong with me.

Six years later, my mood changes upon reading Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It’s the most helpful book I’ve ever read, and also one of the best researched.

“Introverts…may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas,” Cain writes. “They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussion.”

Cain has me pegged to a tee, and I feel a great sense of relief and validation. I’m an introvert, a perfectly normal person living in a world obsessed with championing extroverted characteristics: dominance, assertiveness, spontaneity and loudness.

I am thrilled to speak with Cain, who says that of all the audiences she’s happy to reach, she’s most passionate about students.

“I hear too many stories of children who are given the message by very well-meaning teachers that there’s something wrong with the way they are,” Cain says. “I think well-meaning teachers see their role as being to turn introverts into extroverts. We really need to understand that an introvert is a totally normal personality type.”

I wonder about teachers who place a big emphasis on class discussion, and if this unfairly discriminates against introverted students. I’m equally concerned about whether teachers are doing right by encouraging these kids to “come out of their shells.”

“The most recent study found that half the population are introverts. Other studies have said a third of the population,” Cain says. “That’s one out of every two or three students. They don’t need to be changed, these students. They do need to be cultivated so that they make the most of their natural talents, so they learn the skills that they need to flourish in extroverted schools and workplaces. But that’s different from changing who they are.”

Cain tells me that introverted children often have an easier time identifying their interests, and that they become extremely passionate about pursuing one or two subjects. As I hear Cain talk, it’s like she’s reading my mind. With teaching, running and blogging, my introverted personality enhances my work ethic and productivity.

Last month, I wrote about school culture’s unhealthy insistence upon instilling in young people leadership qualities. Before I even have a chance to ask Cain for her take, she’s already addressing the issue.

“One of the mistakes that I’ve seen in education as I toured the country and sat in on classrooms, I noticed that leadership has become a real buzzword,” Cain says. “There’s an expectation that everybody should be a leader. It’s kind of like, ‘Well, why? Why does everyone have to be a leader, exactly?’ I don’t think we’re designed that way. I think if you look at many of the great thought leaders and political leaders in history, they were not the ones who were leaders in the classroom.”

Cain is quick to provide an example.

“Gandhi would run home from school every day as soon as class was over because he didn’t want to have to talk to the other students,” Cain says. “He was very shy and very reserved. He came to leadership out of a sense of passion for his causes, not out of being a ‘natural leader,’ whatever that is.”

I can already hear the naysayers, insisting that fostering leadership potential provides the best possible avenue for success. To that, I say hogwash—and Cain agrees.

“Why can’t [students] be really creative or really thoughtful or really kind?” Cain says. “Or any number of other attributes that serve the greater good. It seems like a collective lunacy we’ve bought into, that everybody has to be a leader. Really, if everybody was a leader, we would get nowhere.”

I ask Cain how teachers can better reach introverted students. It’s important to acknowledge that this involves more work, Cain tells me.

“With the extroverts, they’re raising their hands,” Cain says. “They’re telling you what they know, what they don’t know. They’re giving you a very fun back-and-forth. It’s just easier. An introverted student is sitting in the class. Their face might seem impassive, so you have no idea. Are they engaged or are they not?”

Two years ago, I stopped grading students on class participation. Any type of assessment is subjective, but this feels especially so. I notice no clear correlation between how much an individual speaks, including the quality of what he or she says, and performance in all other aspects of the course.

“Why is engagement measured only through how often do you raise your hand?” Cain says. “There’s a lot of different ways of being engaged with material or participating in a classroom. This is especially true now in the age of technology and social media. I know teachers are beginning to experiment with bringing social media into the classroom. What I’m hearing is that if you generate a class discussion of kids that’s happening online that the quieter kids will often participate just as much when it’s online as the more vocal kids.”

I think back to my conversations with Curtis J. Bonk, Professor of Instructional Systems Technology at Indiana University. Bonk is also author of one of my favorite books about learning, The World is Open: How Web Technology Is Revolutionizing Education. I wish that he and Cain would work on a project together.

“If you are introverted in a regular classroom setting, online environments allow you to feel comfortable and at home,” Bonk tells me. “You are in a safe harbor. You can tinker with your ideas. You can search the Internet to find a visual cue to enhance what you’re trying to show.”

I’m eager to hear from Cain about how educators can more effectively teach and assess introverts.

“I think it is a matter of finding one-on-one time with those students, figuring out what are the areas that they’re really interested in and maybe calling on them or asking them to participate around those areas. Giving them extra assignments around their areas of passion.”

I have taught many introverts, and many fear that college admissions offices will frown upon a perceived lack of traditional extracurricular activities. Cain and I discuss whether this fear is justified.

“It feels like if you’re not the editor of the paper, president of the student body, or captain of the soccer team then nothing else counts because that’s what high school culture tells you,” Cain says. “But that’s not actually really true from a college admissions point of view. They might actually be more interested in the kid who is excelling in less common activities. It makes you seem more distinct and more individual.”

Before we part ways, I ask Cain to provide one final piece of advice for introverted students trying to succeed in high school.

“Find your niche,” she says. “Find the thing you really love to do. Find the people you really love to be with and don’t worry so much about the other stuff.”

ABOUT SPIN EDUCATION

IN A RAPIDLY EVOLVING DIGITAL AGE, SPINEDU REPORTS ON HOW TECHNOLOGICAL AND PEDAGOGICAL INNOVATION PRESENTS OPPORTUNITY AND CHALLENGES IN AND OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. FROM NEWS STORIES, OPINION PIECES, REVIEWS AND INTERVIEWS WITH CUTTING-EDGE INNOVATORS, AUTHORS AND EDUCATORS, SPINEDU PRACTICES QUALITY REPORTING AND COMMUNITY JOURNALISM—SETTING ITSELF APART FROM COMPETING SITES.

Susan Cain on Introverted students

state 2014

TRF headed to Mpls once again to compete at the state tennis tournament.  Eleven years in a row...awesome!

The state tournament is super fun and there is something special about each year.  This year Isaac competed in the NUMBER ONE DOUBLES category and SAM COACHED!  so cool.  

I love this tournament.  I'm not a tournament-girl and tournaments have actually been a source of stress for me over the years.  I love the competition (love it) so it's not that.  It's the atmosphere...long story.  I'm sure that has been disappointing for my kids over the years...or maybe not! :)  At this point in our lives it probably comes as no surprise to them...they know me pretty well!

Isaac and Devin beat Foley the first day.

These two have played together for years and they are so fun to watch.

They don't take things too seriously but are very serious about playing hard.

The next day they lost to Rochester but it was a great match.

It was fun to see Sam interact with the other coaches, players, and of course the fans!  I got a couple of hugs:)

He is just so darn cute.

The boys get along really well and enjoy being together.

On the last day, we lost to Breck.  We got to see a lot of great players and our boys competed strongly.

My dad and Jo drove down from Babbitt and joined us for the tournament.  This might be the 3rd or 4th year they have joined us...something like that.  He is a funny guy and fun to have around.

Brooke rode down with us.  It was fun to have her with us!

The team was listening to introduction of players and the rules.  cute legs and shoes.

Devin and Isaac :)

As assistant Coach, Sam was asked to announce the players names during the closing ceremony.  The boys stepped forward and received their 4th place medals!

Ben came too!  Wouldn't have been the same without him.

It's 4:14 pm on Wednesday afternoon and the team portion of the tournament comes to an end.

Sam and Brooke :)

and the coaches

and the brothers

The boys make it home Friday evening.  They are escorted into town by the Fire Dept and Police Dept. Adoring fans follow behind honking and waving.  It's really fun:)

A reception is waiting for the boys at LHS including Super One's version of "tennis ball" cookies...haha:)

Alumni!! Yay!

Good to have the boys home!

And I guess tradition is a final game of "wall ball" (invented by the TRF tennis team) before the boys hop into vehicles and head to their homes.  I'm waiting for Isaac and snapped a picture of him as he huddles with his friends.  After spending a week together, night and day, they still hang together as long as they can.

2014 Prowler Tennis team ---  4th place at State --- "best public school in the state"

books

I was laying in bed the other night and staring at my stack of books.  At first I thought, "they are so pretty".  I really think books are beautiful and I love looking at them.  Then I thought, "they all have similar colors...orange, gray, and black".  Cool.  Then I thought, "this is crazy...reading so many books at the same time!".  Actually, I have finished Happier at Home, Pride and Prejudice, and Dracula.  But they stay on my dresser because I either want to reread them (Pride and Prejudice, Dracula) or I'm not done thinking about it (Happier at Home).

I love books...even in this digital age.  Oh yeah... I'm also reading John Galsworthy's, Forsyte Saga, on my Kindle.  I plan to own a hard copy of it someday...then maybe I will finish it.

I love the way books look...the squareness of them and the way they fit in my hand.  They are elegant.

I pick up the book that matches the time of day or my mood.  I love Quiet but there are so many things that I underline or want to tell someone that it's not a book to read when you climb into bed.  Mere Christianity is wonderful and full of ideas that I think about for a long time.  Call the Midwife is good, light reading and The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo is exciting.  Dracula is one of the best books I've ever read. EVERYONE should read it.  And everyone should read Pride and Prejudice.  Lord of the Rings is my favorite story.... ever.

I love my stack of books.

look for the helpers